The Blog Roll.

So I’ve moved out from Chris’s place to Fezzers. Fezz I do hear you cry?

Well it’s a funny story how I me Fezz, one we will delve into….now. First time I heard the name Mathew F***** was back in Chris’s place when he had recently recieved his PC for repair. Apparantly there was some form of Malware on the machine that had to be removed. This so called Malware was the result of a certain curious girlfriend searching up 2 girls 1 cup on the internet after hearing all the hype about it.

Anyway I was invited along this long weekend to Nambucca Heads a place of beaches and scantaly clad ladies (pervy old man groan). What can I say, the first night we had a bbq with the family followed by 1 bottle of Jameson whiskey. Yes I was drunk, but I held my own against the Aussies, did you hear that mom? I made Ireland proud. Fezzers grandmother thinks I am an alcoholic that I polished a whole bottle to myself. She also happens to be a devout jesus freak and now I am the spawn of Satan.

The morning after we drop Pru down to her folks place and decide to go out surfing. Me, coming from Ireland has never surfed before but it wasn’t long before I had mastered it. The day was fantastic, we nearly had the whole beach to ourselves in fact the only downer was when some 40 year old lady decided to take her top off and expose some seriously droopy boobies to the hot sun. I was not impressed …at all. Fez decides to take me out to a rock pool on the beach which was fun, we sat there as waves blasted over our heads and left us dry. After we had sufficiant fun Fezz started to walk off so I follow excpet as soon as I do a massive wave hits the rocks and washed me right off onto what can only be described as a ’shelf’ of corral and shells. As fezz describes it “I was walking away and all I hear behind me is “FUUUUCK, I turned around to see Pete bouncing down a cliff”. Man it fucking hurt and my hand is torn to peices. I couldn’t walk on my right foot for the entire night either.

I feel a little depressed today. Not on form at all, but I also realize that I can’t just sit here and moap around all day. I’ve been invited to a BBQ and I think I’m gonna go and enjoy myself propperly today. I start my new job on Monday, so that’s something to look forward to I guess. then I have to start looking for my own place. I want to find somewhere with about 4 or 5 room mates to kick off the social life again as I’m starting to miss home and the way I could just pop out to a mates place and chill.

More later on.

No, not Brisbane, it’s fab.

Rightio, where to begin. Firstly I met a nice, intelligent, funny girl here in Aus. We got along great on our initial meeting so much so I felt like some sort of Romeo with a huge crush on said girl. Now Petey is not the sort of person who gets crushes often but when he does he goes all out. I ask her out on a dinner date, traditional like, I am after all an old school romantic (which as I’ve discovered over the years doesn’t work in modern times. Guys take note). All is well except after she accepts my offer she seems to ignore me a fair bit even though I do get invited out all the time for drinks with her friends. Now at this point I can hear the distant sound of alarm bells ringing as I’ve seen it many times with those other failed romances. I think we’ve all had them that girl (or guy for my lady visitors) that you’ve had a thing for but never managed to get. Aka ‘the girl that got away’.

Anyway I go out tonight with said girl, first off I get that Icy chill feeling that things ain’t exactly working out at all. We laugh in a group , we haven’t clue what to say to each other when we are alone. Any excuse to get the hell out of there is a good one. you know that feeling? I’m sure most of us do at this stage in our lives. So after a while i’m outside with one of her guys mates and he mentions a “phase”. What phase you may ask? A phase of a bit of girl on girl action with blokes hidden deep in the corner of the mind tucked away more so that it’s the equivalent of being sucked into a black hole never to been seen again. In fact he mentioned her ‘ex fuck-me-buddy Lady J’. Now, after hearing said lady is a in fact fairly gay my heart sunk. I digested the information over a few pints yet it’s stillt here as I write my blog a few hours later. To top it all off, during the early hours her ‘ex fuck-me-buddy’ turns up and they are all kisses and hugs then dissapear never to been seen again.

I said ‘fuck it, I’m goign home’ and that I did. I called her to thank her for a great night (you know being manly, supressing your feelings and bow out gracefully) and she couldn’t hear me so I sent a text to which I got no reply. Good times.

This is a funny story, I would laugh at it and I hope most people do ( I know I would if it wasn’t me). But for the moment I remain crushed. But as our friend Scarlet said, “tomorrow is another day”. I hope a feel better about this in the morning. Also I still have dinner date left on Tuesday with said girl, time to have it out methinks. No so much aggresive I mean she’s still pretty sound but I’d rather know where I stand then sticking it out and looking like a dick head. Fuck I hate dating.

-Pete

So I’ve made it to Oz. After being awake for 37 hours I eventually crashed out cold for 13 hours of sleep after I arrived. I’m here living with Fiona, Chris and my godson Matty.  Now upon arriving it’s been 40 degrees, which has caused me to sweat like a catholic priest at a boys chior meeting. Not joking two showers a day or no one in their right mind would go within the blast radius. Last night (the 26th) I saw my first giant spider, Chris couldn’t identify which one it was so he had to blast it out the door using an aerosol can (dispite my suggestion to use lighter with said aerosol can). I stayed at a rather large distance ready to jump up on the closest chair to hand lest the spider drop on the ground and start running in my general direction. To add, this little bastard could move. I was also told that he was actually quite small and not nearly as fast as a Huntsman spider. Scary stuff. Other then that i’m doing a CV up for a job. Still waiting on my certs to come through from home. I forgot to scan them before I left and now am entrusting my mother to do it. The mother who still can’t work the video player.

But all of the above pales in comparison to that one special night myself and Chris spent together, having a golden gaytime. It was magical, I licked it, I sucked it, flicked it about with my mouth gently caressing each nook and cranny until it melted in my mouth, I bit into it and just then I only really experienced the golden magic that flowed forth filling my mouth with absolute golden yummyness. I swallowed it all down the hatch and basked in the creamy goodness that was now in my Belly. It felt so satisfying and so right. 

It really was the nicest Ice cream i’ve ever had. They could have named it a bit better though. Golden gaytime sounds so, gay.

My last night in Chang Mai was spent saying my last goodbyes to Kiwi Greg. Kiwi Greg was a great laugh, a man who has been all over the world and had many interesting and funny stories to share. Anyway after some hard drinking I decided to head off towards Mikes. So I make it there for 2:30 and ask for a Cheese Dog (A hotdog with cheese and 2 bacon strips) and I start munching away when one of the staff members start talking to me. He was a small bloke who called himself Tomas, obviously not his real name as he was Thai but hey… Tomas is a small bloke about 5ft nothing, skinny and very hyper active. Now I have no idea what we spoke about before he said (accent preserved) “Hey Petah, Where you stay tonight?”. “Darrets” I slurred with a mouth full of hot dog. “Oh Petah I have Idea, perhaps I go to dawwets and you spend the night with meee. Hmmmmmmmm?”. I nearly choked on my hotdog. But then noticed the two other girls behind the counter cracking up laughing so I started to laugh as well. “I see you eat hotdawg, big bites. Can swallow good hmmmmmm?”. I nearly choked again. Thank sweet zombie jesus I had a coke to wash it down. What could I do? I just had to laugh with him, after all it came across as yes, yes he was gay but was just fucking with my head for a laugh. So I just kept glancing at the staff and laughing with them. “Petah you finshed?” as he took my plate/basket thingy away from me. I got up and he slapped a tip box down in front of me “Thank you for tip!”. I payed the man his tip, after all he did give me a good laugh while I ate so I felt I owed him. As I got up to stumble back to my bed, I look back to see him leaning out of the window “Petah, you don’t forget me! Hmmmmmmmmm?” With one wave and back in he went. Classic.

Ah where to begin,

Well I’ll start by talking about a Canadian bloke called Bret who is ex army and a total beer fiend. Bret (The hitman heart I decided to dub him) is over in Thailand for 2 reasons one to train in a Muay Thai camp and the other is to invest in some business venture. So as the day progresses in the restaurant/bar I’m staying in I meet his mother who’s name escapes me. His mother is a Psychic, a real live one who proceeds to do numerology on me. Now as it’s my understanding of life and science I think that sort of stuff is all, well,  bullshit really so I didn’t really listen to is and only got a little info on that sort of stuff. Anyway she was a nice lady so I had a chat and a few beers with her and eventually she head off for the day. Bret proceeded to tell me about the strip clubs he had been to and how a ‘ping pong show’ is not what we westerners think, well most. A ping pong show is where you buy a few ping pong balls for say 300 baht and throw one at the stage to watch the girls all fight over it as they get a tip for each one they catch. He also mentioned that his very very drunk friend bought what he describes as a ‘bucket’ for 2000 baht and threw them all at once. As he described it “Man it was crazy these things were bouncing all over the place and hitting customers in the head, waitresses were dropping drinks on the floor and diving across the room in the scramble to get as many balls as they could, madness”. “worth it” I thought, to see that chaos. He couldn’t believe it.

After a Myself and Bret decided to head off to Mikes, a burger joint just 500 feet up the road maybe.  So off we stroll. On the way up we passed some Thai prostitutes with rather large jubblies.  Now, thai girls don’t have large jubblies so it’s far more likely it’s in fact a group of dudes with jubbly implants. Not that i’d stop anyway but still, it’s nice to know where you stand. In fact I’ve started to become immune to seeing them as they are everywhere after 11pm.  It’s kind of “Meh” at this stage really.

Eventually we arrive at mikes and plonk are hairy arses down in the seats in preparation for some mighty meaty feed of the processed variety. I order a steak baguette as I figure it’s probably been less processed then the dripping with grease burger Bret was tucking into. Then some Scottish… I don’t know what the fuck to call it sat down beside me and wouldn’t shut up. you know the type you look at and are trying hard to decide if it’s a man, woman or maybe a tranny. Who knows. (S)He (whatever) had a big filthy mustache but kind of old womanly.. honestly if I had a camera with me I would have taken the picture so you, the readers could decide. Anyway eventually I managed to stop talking to it and turned my back away to Brett. Who was trying to stuff his burger down his throat desperate to get the hell out of there. So we decide to go for a beer to wet our throats he suggests this place called ‘The Spotlight’.

Eventually we arrive at ‘The Spotlight’. It looks small, like really small and I’m thinking what the fuck is this, I complain to Bret about the severe lack of bum stools and he tells me to come on inside… “There’s another door here”. I stroll in a little buzzed after the few beers I’ve had into a strip bar. Well not a total strip bar, the girls are still fully clothed but in g strings.. you get the picture. Within minutes a girl comes over to me and grabs my ass and my manly third leg (I’m trying to use polite terminology just in case we have weak stomached readers).
I had to protest, Layke is all things to all men and perhaps one lucky lady but that is not her. So I grab her hands off me and with a nice polite (yet nervous smile) say I’m not interested. Of course this gal ain’t taking no for an answer, puts her hand over my mouth jumps on my lap and starts a severe rubbing session. Now at this point I was starting to get a little freaked out, she starts to whisper in my ear about a bit of back room loving.
Now, I pride myself that I’ve never nor will ever pay for love so I had to refuse. So I gave her 50 baht for a back massage for a few seconds then a obviously a better customer came on the job because she hopped up and left me half way through. I thanked Bret, finished my beer and went back to the hotel/hostel thing I’m staying in crawled into bed and wondered why I’m such a morally correct dick head.

So today, I got a comment on my first blog entry from the ‘Layke Anderson’ himself. Now he probably may of had good reason to go postal on me but he didn’t, instead the man who subsequently took it with a pinch of salt and carried on. This now has elevated the man many levels of respect and has now been entered in my book of cool.

Mr. Anderson, hope you do well in your career however I maintain I am more manly and better looking in all aspects. I do however have a body of a god (looks somewhat like Buddah’s really). Also if your ever in Ireland feel free to drop me a mail and perhaps I’ll take you out for a beer…. let’s face it you’d probably pull the ladies more so then I would, so this is probably going to more to my benefit then yours really.

Seriously dude if I was gay, you’d be on my list.

Kudos to you.

-Pete

For years Petey has been master or the microwave. That and being your best friend after a hard nights drinking when I whip out the frying pan and make a proper greasy fry. But today I did a something truly amazing, a Thai cooking lesson, I expected it to be good but it was actually fabaroo. Ctah if you read this and ever decide to go to Thailand I would really recommend it. Everything here is spicy and today I made a Spicy soup, Red Thai Curry and Pad Mai.Oh and also I can make spring rolls in sweet and sour sauce. I am now certified (lol) and came out with a Thai cook book to top it all off. To be honest though after it, I’ve had so much food i can’t even think about eating tonight. We’ve met some English, French and Germans there who were all pretty sound. I hope they decide to go out for a beer tonight in celebration of our mutual achievement.

Other then that this morning I was awoken u at 5am by some spastics from N. Ireland screaming and shouting, playing loud music and so forth. They actually got kicked out of their room at about 7pm from the noise which is a real shame because I would have thought it prudent to keep waking them up during their sleep time. I mean it nothing would be more satisfying then:

Knock knock
Random noises and grumbling from behind the door
[Nordy girl answers quite zombified from hangover]
[nordy] *Groan* “Yes… can i help you”.
[Me] “Oh hello. I just thought i’d knock and wake you up from your nice sleep many hours before you planned to be awake”.
I make wide cheeky grin and give to thumbs up. Girl stand there stunned as I walk off.

…an hour passes.

Nordy girl wakens up to hear someone blasting iPod tunes through speakers at her front door. She opens door to find cheeky grin and two thumbs up.

In my opinion it’s perfect payback and actually quite a reasonable response. I really do believe in an eye for an eye.

Now that all that is out of the way, i’m off to drink so beer and so sweet FA for the rest of the day.

Things I like so far :

1. I’m losing weight, yes the belly is  going down! I think upon my return I shall hit the gym and become mighty once again.
2. I’m not doing any work whatsoever and I’m not worried about cash coz I’m a rich here.
3. Everyone is nice to me because they want my money.
4. I’ve had time to reflect on myself. I want to learn an instrument. I think perhaps a guitar. Problem is i would have a tendency to sing along if I managed to play, this is not good for all those in earshot.
5. I’ve had time to read all those books I never got round to reading. I’ve finished off Michael Chrichton’s ‘Next’ and after starting Anthony Keidis this moring i’m already half way though (tis engrossing and recommended) .  Then onto Richard Dawkins: The God delusion. How academic am I? I always liked a good debate, and what greater then the nutters out there who still as an adult believe in fairytales they were told as a kid?

Now, that said there are a few things I hate about Thailand. People at this point are probably saying I shoudn’t complain differnet country and all that lark, but hell as it is my custom I think I will do so anyway.

1. The toilets; do you know what it’s like to walk into a public toilet drop a steamer and then realize that you were supposed to buy TP before you go in (that’s right they don’t give you free TP here). Fortuntely I solved this problem with the help of a novel I had handy. I guess I’ll never know how it ends. The other part of that gripe is uness you are in Bangkok you have to flush using a water bowl. It makes me shudder every time I have to do it. EVERY TIME.
2. “Hello my friend!”, “Tuk tuk?”,”You want to buy suit?”, “Ping pong show?”. I’m sorry but please fuck off and allow me to walk in peace for a little while. Grim (yes for those of you not in the know I have a friend called ‘Grim’) told me that you cannot look at something for more then 30 seconds without somene standing there to harass you into buying. Also, you kmow the way they all look the same to us, well we all look the same to them. I have walked up and down roads and the same people come up to me over and over again trying to sell their stuff. I tbecomes annoying after a while.  
3. I’m afraid to chat up any thai girl, they all look like Jailbait to me. I’m sure some are like 30 or so, but seriously the majority look like you will do time if you hook up with them. Best wait till I hit Aus.

That’s all for now we’ve left Bankok and gone North don’t ask me the name of the town as I forget the name (Sudokhan or somthing random like that). Nothing much happened last night as it was one of those go-to-bed-because-I-have-to-get-up-early type days.

 Well 2 more days here and i’m off to Chang Mai!

Added some photo’s although I can’t upload em all because Thailand’s ADSL lines are in fact running under ISDN speeds ( for the wimmin folk reading this it’s going very very slow).

On the comments side of things. I’ve added you all so you can post whatever you like when you like so I don’t have to approve you any more

Oh on a side note, some weirdo has come into my blog and had a go at me for insulting Layke Anderson the male model (read my first post). Now, let me make this perfectly clear to you random interenet stalkers out there. I don’t hate the guy, in fact I don’t know him. It was a bit of humour for me and my friends that is all. Don’t take everything you read in a blog as super serial m’kay.

Enjoy
-Pete